Dear Diary,

As I set sail into uncharted waters there’s one last thing I must do - make this final entry in my diary.  This will be the last time that I ever write in my diary.  In a way, this is the final link to my past life.  But I won’t need it anymore, writing in it used to save me from going crazy when I had no-one to talk to but things are different now.  Once I’ve written this, I’m going to give the diary to Jude.  I want him to know about every wicked, ridiculous and psychotic thought I had over the past three crazy years.  Then we can put it away somewhere, perhaps someone will find it in a hundred years or so.  I wonder what they’d make of it?

It’s now been a few days since Ben and Meg’s wedding.  Jude and I haven’t been out much, we just need to be alone together for now.  Thankfully, people have left us alone.  I’m so happy that I can’t believe it’s all true, it’s like when people say they have to pinch themselves to make sure they’re not in a dream or something.  Yes, it’s just like that, but I know this is for real.  I’ve been tearful too, it’s like my emotions were trapped in a pool, hidden deep underground, and a channel has been dug and they’ve all gushed to the surface.  Jude says it’s OK, he holds me and kisses away my tears.  He understands, he understands.  Like I always knew he would.  Deep down, I think I always knew.  I think when he looks at me he can see right into my soul.  At least now I know that I have one.

It’s like my past life never really happened, it all seems to have all fallen away from me, like it happened in another reality.  And that’s not me being in denial, I can never take back all the things I did nor forget them but it seems inconceivable that I could do them now.  It scares me to think of it.  I’m glad I made my peace with Olivia.  How could I be happy myself when I knew someone else was drowning in misery, and that I was the cause of that misery?  Jude says you can become a better person if you learn from your mistakes.  If he isn’t worth changing for, then I don’t know what is.

I still don’t know how I managed to walk off with such an incredible guy, he has amazing qualities.  In some ways I’m almost in awe of him.  But he says not to, he says he’s only human and sometimes screws up.  He says I’m special too and I could be anything I wanted to be.  No-one’s ever told me that before, he’s the only one who’s ever believed in me, everyone else treated me like I was worthless.  Who knows, maybe I can soon start believing in me too.  But for now I just want my life to be in this apartment, just the two of us, close together.  Sometimes we just hold each other, sometimes we talk for ages, there seems to be so much to say.  But we have plenty of time for that, plenty of time for everything.  We got dressed and went out yesterday though, we went for a walk on the beach and watched the sunset together.  It was so beautiful and so exciting for me that I was trembling, I’ve never done anything like that with anyone before.  Pleasure from simple things, noticing things which I never noticed before.  Then we came home and made love again.  Home ...... I already think of this as home, funny.

Jude says being with me makes him happy.  Making him happy makes me happy, I never realised how much joy you could get from giving.  He grew up without a father too, the nearest thing he had to a dad was AJ.  And he had a tough time dealing with his feelings for me.  I guess we were both in denial, Jude says that’s why we kept hurting each other.

Aunt Bette and AJ have invited us round tomorrow.  Us, I love saying that.  I’ve never felt like one half of a couple before, even when I was married to Gregory, and it feels good.  Better than good.  I’m so glad Aunt Bette is happy, she deserves it so much.  I have some ground to make up with AJ but I can do it, I know I can.

Whatever the future holds I know I can look forward to it, because I know that it will be good for us.  Instead of the insecurity and the murky black depths which used to haunt me I now see clear streams, brightness and meaning.  People can change, I have changed, I’m not the old me anymore.  Love does strange things to you, it makes you see things differently, you’re more aware of how others feel.  I never thought I could feel like this.  Jude is what matters to me now and I’d follow him to the ends of the earth if I had to.  He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me and whatever happens to us on our voyage of discovery and beyond, nothing and no-one will ever come between us.  I swear it.

Annie Douglas, January 2000

Previously published in the “Annie’s Boudoir” section of  SARAH BUXTON (UK)

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